When You Wake Up Between the Moon and New York City (A Slightly Confused Guide)
Okay, so you've woken up. Congratulations! That's always a good start to the day, right? Except... where are you? You're not quite sure if you're closer to the Sea of Tranquility or a bodega on Bleecker Street. This, my friends, is what I like to call the "Lunar/Manhattan Mid-Morning Muddle." It's a real thing. I've written a blog post about it. (Okay, maybe not, but I thought about it.)
The Initial Panic (aka "Is This Real Life?")
First, let's address the elephant in the (probably non-existent) room. Don't panic! Well, okay, a little panic is acceptable. It's perfectly normal to question your sanity when your alarm clock seems to be playing the theme song from 2001: A Space Odyssey while the smell of freshly brewed coffee is suspiciously absent.
- Check for Gravity: Are you floating? If so, Houston, we have a problem. (And you're probably on the moon. Or in a really weird zero-gravity yoga class.) If not, that narrows it down. Slightly.
- Assess Your Surroundings: Are there craters? Stars? Matt Damon looking forlorn? Moon. Are there yellow cabs, aggressive pigeons, and the faint aroma of questionable street food? New York. Are there… both? Well, then you've got a bigger problem.
- Look for Clues: Is there a half-eaten bagel next to you? Probably New York. Is there a rock that looks suspiciously like cheese? Probably the moon. (Unless you’re in a really weird art installation in Brooklyn.)
The "Okay, I'm Probably on Earth" Phase
Alright, you've determined you're probably not orbiting the Earth. Excellent! Now the real detective work begins.
- The Time Test: Check your watch (or phone, if you can find it in the swirling vortex of confusion that is your bedroom). Is it 3 AM? If so, you could be anywhere. 3 PM? Slightly more helpful. If it's 3 PM and you’re still in your pajamas, well, no judgment here.
- The Sound Check: Listen carefully. Do you hear honking? Sirens? The distant strains of a Broadway show tune? New York. Do you hear… nothing? Except maybe the gentle hum of your refrigerator? Could be anywhere, really. But probably not the moon. (Unless your fridge is a super-advanced, space-age model.)
- The Smell Test: Ah, the most reliable test of all! Does it smell like exhaust fumes and hot garbage? New York, baby! Does it smell like… well, nothing? Or maybe slightly of dust and disappointment? Could be anywhere, really. But probably not the moon. (Unless you have a really dusty apartment. In which case, maybe you are on the moon.)
The "So, What Now?" Stage
You've figured out you're on Earth. Fantastic! Now what?
- Get Coffee: This is non-negotiable. Whether you're in New York or near New York, coffee is essential.
- Check Your Calendar: Did you miss that important meeting? That hot date? That rocket launch? Knowing the date is crucial, especially if you were on the moon and need to explain your absence.
- Embrace the Confusion: Honestly, waking up a little disoriented can be a fun adventure. Who knows what the day will bring? Maybe you'll stumble upon a hidden speakeasy. Maybe you'll discover a new species of pigeon. Maybe you'll just have a really good cup of coffee.
The "I'm Still Not Sure" Clause
If, after all this, you still have no idea where you are, there's only one thing left to do: start exploring! Go outside. Ask someone for directions. Order a pizza. (Pizza is always a good idea.) And if you happen to find yourself on the moon, well, at least you'll have a good story to tell.
Frequently Asked Questions (Because You're Probably Still Confused)
How to tell if I'm dreaming?
- Pinch yourself. If you feel pain, you're probably not dreaming. If you don't feel pain, you're either dreaming or you're incredibly numb. Either way, get some coffee.
How to get to the moon?
- Apply to NASA. Or, you know, just wait. Someone will probably invent affordable space travel soon. (Probably.)
How to get to New York City?
- That depends on where you are. If you're on the moon, see the previous question. If you're on Earth, there are trains, planes, automobiles… and carrier pigeons. (Just kidding about the pigeons. Mostly.)
How to deal with the existential dread of not knowing where you are?
- Deep breaths. Focus on the present moment. And remember, even if you're lost, you're still here. And that's something to be grateful for. (Or at least something to ponder while you drink your coffee.)
How to prevent this from happening again?
- Set a very loud alarm. Put a map of your city on your ceiling. And maybe lay off the weird cheese before bed. (Just a thought.)